I was favorably impressed with Belmont Community College's English and writing program, from the enthusiasm of the people in charge to the seriousness of the interview process to the amount of support offered new faculty.
However, and I am a bit churned up over this, I've decided not to take the job I was offered teaching a course in English composition and a remedial course in paragraph writing. Much as I'm attracted to the school and the people there, my inner voice says it's too soon to plunge in. That time is a gift and I need to take it.
On the other side, there's the me that doesn't feel responsible if I'm not working and earning money. I feel guilty sometimes not working around the clock when I know there are many women in the world holding down two jobs to make ends meet. And I fear running out of money. Roger and I just had a discussion this morning about my need for a new computer.
But against these incessant fears of lack runs another voice. This alternative line of dialogue says: sufficient for today are the worries of today. God will provide. Can you ever have "enough" money to feel secure? Isn't it the ultimate illusion that we can save enough to buy security? And a verse from a Wordsworth poem flits through my mind: "The world is too much with us. Getting and spending we lay waste our powers." Does it help a woman (or man) with an overloaded work schedule for me to do the same?
I look out the window and the countryside reminds me of the English Lake District, Wordsworth's territory. Like the Lake District, this place is remote and full of rolling hills, though with not so much spectacular water. It's a calm place and a quiet place. I have the choice of leaning into its serenity or becoming rushed and harried within it.
I also think of the story of the Roman philosopher Diogenes. His fellow philosophers said to him: If you would flatter the emperor, you would earn enough money that you don't have to live on lentils. Diogenes replied: I live on lentils so I don't have to flatter the emperor.
So I am trying to live in the moment, enjoy the lentils and not worry about an unknown future. At some point, we may need money beyond what I can earn freelancing. Then I will go back to work. If at that point they don't want me at the community college, that's fine. In the meantime, I will volunteer, tutor a student and go about with my life.
My biggest worry is disappointing people who are expecting me to take the job. However, there are three weeks until classes begin, and I'm sure this isn't the first time an adjunct has backed out.
For me, who tends to worry about money, turning down a job I'm qualified for and that fits my schedule (I would have been only teaching two days a week) is an act of faith. I'm trying to follow my inner guide. I'm trusting that my freelance work will help sustain us.
Have any of you faced a similar struggle? Am I crazy not to grab this job?
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
Settling into Barnesville
There are some giant spiders here in Barnesville. "Garden" spiders, I'm told. I wish they'd stay in the garden! I also saw a skunk cross the road when I was lost yesterday. I knew I was probably not going the right way when the road started getting narrower and narrower and bumpier and bumpier and shadier and shadier. Luckily, this was not a Stephen King novel. And then I saw the skunk. He was trying to skulk across the road stealthily, as if he wouldn't be seen. I would say he was cute, but then I'd be revealing my suburban roots ... But he did, honestly, look just like the skunk in Bambi.
So much has been going on its hard to unravel all the thoughts. First, I am taking to my new little white house. Now this perplexes me because I know my house back in Columbia, objectively speaking, is "better." It's bigger and newer and of course, as it's been continuously lived in by its owners (us), it's in better repair, but there's something in this new little house that speaks to my soul ... or as one of my new friends said, maybe my appendix ... I love the hardwood floors and the views and the bigs windows, and I also love the rooms being close together. I like going a few steps down the hall from my bedroom to the kitchen rather than down a hall, down a flight of steps, through another hall, through a family room ... It's cozy and snug here.
Yesterday, I missed lunch because I was on a job interview for a position as adjunct English instructor at Belmont Technical College. The wonderful cooks fed me anyway in the big kitchen where we have breakfast. That made me very happy. I had vegetable quiche and a cookie (if you're interested!). I have been doing what is called "dish crew," essentially helping to do the dishes, and have loved learning the ins and outs of the kitchen here, with all its big pantries and prep rooms. It's very orderly, and clean. And bright and old-fashioned.
I think, however, I'm not cool enough for this place. We have a lot of very cool people here, and I just can't keep up. As people who know me will attest, coolness is not one of my chief attributes. I'm also not terrifically athletic, so the five mile runs and etc. are beyond me. But I enjoy hiking past the lake everyday to meals and looking at the wildflowers and geese as I go. I hope to do more hiking (on a moderate scale) as I settle in.
There were some wonderful moments when we all introduced ourselves during a meeting. Several teachers read poems. One staff member read a Rilke poem that a teacher had left in everyone's mailbox last Valentine's day and said she loved working in a place where someone would leave a poem in her mailbox. Ela, our admissions director, played the cello to help introduce herself, and her husband Bill played a Celctic tune on a pipe he'd carved himself. Those introductions (and others) made me very happy to be at the school. But naturally, I still miss home.
Enough for now. Students arrive today, so the quietness of the summer season will end, and Sophie moves to the dorm. This is good for her but feels a little sad or odd to me even though she will only be a few hundred yards away.
I hope everyone is doing well.
So much has been going on its hard to unravel all the thoughts. First, I am taking to my new little white house. Now this perplexes me because I know my house back in Columbia, objectively speaking, is "better." It's bigger and newer and of course, as it's been continuously lived in by its owners (us), it's in better repair, but there's something in this new little house that speaks to my soul ... or as one of my new friends said, maybe my appendix ... I love the hardwood floors and the views and the bigs windows, and I also love the rooms being close together. I like going a few steps down the hall from my bedroom to the kitchen rather than down a hall, down a flight of steps, through another hall, through a family room ... It's cozy and snug here.
Yesterday, I missed lunch because I was on a job interview for a position as adjunct English instructor at Belmont Technical College. The wonderful cooks fed me anyway in the big kitchen where we have breakfast. That made me very happy. I had vegetable quiche and a cookie (if you're interested!). I have been doing what is called "dish crew," essentially helping to do the dishes, and have loved learning the ins and outs of the kitchen here, with all its big pantries and prep rooms. It's very orderly, and clean. And bright and old-fashioned.
I think, however, I'm not cool enough for this place. We have a lot of very cool people here, and I just can't keep up. As people who know me will attest, coolness is not one of my chief attributes. I'm also not terrifically athletic, so the five mile runs and etc. are beyond me. But I enjoy hiking past the lake everyday to meals and looking at the wildflowers and geese as I go. I hope to do more hiking (on a moderate scale) as I settle in.
There were some wonderful moments when we all introduced ourselves during a meeting. Several teachers read poems. One staff member read a Rilke poem that a teacher had left in everyone's mailbox last Valentine's day and said she loved working in a place where someone would leave a poem in her mailbox. Ela, our admissions director, played the cello to help introduce herself, and her husband Bill played a Celctic tune on a pipe he'd carved himself. Those introductions (and others) made me very happy to be at the school. But naturally, I still miss home.
Enough for now. Students arrive today, so the quietness of the summer season will end, and Sophie moves to the dorm. This is good for her but feels a little sad or odd to me even though she will only be a few hundred yards away.
I hope everyone is doing well.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
On anger
Not long ago, I suffered a petty injustice. To make it worse, I was maneuvered or manipulated into a situation where I was offered two unpalatable choices. I decided to take the more generous path and put the matter behind me. I went on with my life. In the grand scheme of things, the whole situation was tiny.
Yet the experience rankled. I found myself getting furious thinking about it. I was angry that the episode was handled so ungraciously and furious because I felt I had been "played." And more furious when I contemplated that I was "played" over something so small.
I had realized awhile ago that the person I labeled "the antagonist" carried a vein of anger under a smiling facade.
I could say that I've been that person -- and I'm sure I have and that we all have at one time or another in our lives if we're honest with ourselves-- but I don't want to go in that direction.
What struck me as I've thought about this was the viral nature of anger. This angry person was transferring his or her own pent-up rage to me. I've noticed that angry people do this, trying to alleviate their own anger by radiating it out or transfering it to others. We spread rage quickly by wronging others because we've been wronged, by retaliating, by gossiping.
I was reminded of the Westboro Church. This "church" came to Westminster. Md. when I was working for the newspaper there. The Westboro people protest at the funerals of soldiers who died in Iraq to publicize their belief that the Iraq war is God's judgement on the U.S. for tolerating homosexuality. They were due to protest at the funeral of a young local man killed in Iraq.
As religion reporter, I went to their Web site to find out more about them. The Web site spewed hate. It wasn't religious at all. It was the rantings of people filled with toxic levels of anger.
As we discussed the Westboro group in the newsroom -- the kind of language they were using to describe gay people as well as their plan to disrupt the funeral of grieving parents-- we grew angrier and angrier until one editor said "if I had a gun, I'd go and kill these people."
At that point, we realized we were being infected by their hate and becoming the thing we loathed. They were, with extreme efficiency -- a Web site and some foul language -- transmitting their anger and hostility to us. We were quickly turning into them.
Jesus understood the power of anger and hate to radiate outward and spread. He must have seen this phenomenon often in occupied Israel in the first century. He recognized how destructive it was and also that it could be--always--overcome with love. Love could radiate outward. Radical forgiveness could stop the hate in its tracks and replace it with a spirit that would allow all of us to become more fully human/humane.
So I decided, as an act of will, to love the person who'd wronged me. I made a choice not to get sucked into the vortex of hate. I didn't react or say any of the things I could have said. I kept my lips zippered.
I knew, however, that I would need grace not to harbor a grudge.
So I prayed for grace.
As it happened, this same person very recently did something generous and uncalled for to help me. Suddenly, I felt lighter, as if a weight I had been lugging around had lifted. I felt a surge of genuine good feeling toward this individual that was not merely an act of will or smug moral superiority. I felt grateful I had turned the other cheek and not said a word. I experienced the grace of knowing that demonstrably imperfect people can do things that are kind and good.
I know such stories don't often have a happy ending and that working through the injustice when the pain is not alleviated is much more difficult. But I wanted to celebrate this story and its good outcome.
Yet the experience rankled. I found myself getting furious thinking about it. I was angry that the episode was handled so ungraciously and furious because I felt I had been "played." And more furious when I contemplated that I was "played" over something so small.
I had realized awhile ago that the person I labeled "the antagonist" carried a vein of anger under a smiling facade.
I could say that I've been that person -- and I'm sure I have and that we all have at one time or another in our lives if we're honest with ourselves-- but I don't want to go in that direction.
What struck me as I've thought about this was the viral nature of anger. This angry person was transferring his or her own pent-up rage to me. I've noticed that angry people do this, trying to alleviate their own anger by radiating it out or transfering it to others. We spread rage quickly by wronging others because we've been wronged, by retaliating, by gossiping.
I was reminded of the Westboro Church. This "church" came to Westminster. Md. when I was working for the newspaper there. The Westboro people protest at the funerals of soldiers who died in Iraq to publicize their belief that the Iraq war is God's judgement on the U.S. for tolerating homosexuality. They were due to protest at the funeral of a young local man killed in Iraq.
As religion reporter, I went to their Web site to find out more about them. The Web site spewed hate. It wasn't religious at all. It was the rantings of people filled with toxic levels of anger.
As we discussed the Westboro group in the newsroom -- the kind of language they were using to describe gay people as well as their plan to disrupt the funeral of grieving parents-- we grew angrier and angrier until one editor said "if I had a gun, I'd go and kill these people."
At that point, we realized we were being infected by their hate and becoming the thing we loathed. They were, with extreme efficiency -- a Web site and some foul language -- transmitting their anger and hostility to us. We were quickly turning into them.
Jesus understood the power of anger and hate to radiate outward and spread. He must have seen this phenomenon often in occupied Israel in the first century. He recognized how destructive it was and also that it could be--always--overcome with love. Love could radiate outward. Radical forgiveness could stop the hate in its tracks and replace it with a spirit that would allow all of us to become more fully human/humane.
So I decided, as an act of will, to love the person who'd wronged me. I made a choice not to get sucked into the vortex of hate. I didn't react or say any of the things I could have said. I kept my lips zippered.
I knew, however, that I would need grace not to harbor a grudge.
So I prayed for grace.
As it happened, this same person very recently did something generous and uncalled for to help me. Suddenly, I felt lighter, as if a weight I had been lugging around had lifted. I felt a surge of genuine good feeling toward this individual that was not merely an act of will or smug moral superiority. I felt grateful I had turned the other cheek and not said a word. I experienced the grace of knowing that demonstrably imperfect people can do things that are kind and good.
I know such stories don't often have a happy ending and that working through the injustice when the pain is not alleviated is much more difficult. But I wanted to celebrate this story and its good outcome.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Where is Regina?
Regina, where are you? I clicked on "one clover, a bee and a revery" and it said your blog was gone, with no forwarding address. Can you tell us what happened?
Back after Hiatus
I didn't think I'd be "dark" for two long weeks. I hope everyone hasn't entirely given up on the blog.
Just as a synopsis: the move went well. We had unseasonably cool weather, which was great for August. Now we're more or less settled into our new little cozy house. I like it here. I like the hardwood floors in the bedrooms. Our newly-remodelled kitchen is beautiful, with a new Pergo wood floor and granite-look counters and a soft beige tile backsplash. It might be my favorite room now especially as it is a big square space. I'll post before and after pix when I get a little more settled. Of course, it makes all the difference to have our familiar furniture in place.
It's very pretty here, with lots of rolling hills and apple and peach orchards. For those of you who followed the series here on Plain Secrets, the books about the Schwartzentruber Amish, you may be interested to know that the Amish around Barnesville are a group that broke away from the Schwartzentrubers and moved here because land prices are lower than in northern Ohio. I was excited to find this out. I heard they are more conservative than the Schwartzentrubers, which is hard to imagine. But we have seen no lights or reflective symbols on their buggies, so it appears to be true.
Anyway, there have been many faculty dinners and so a rash of socializing. My kids are adjusting, though it's hard to be virtually the only teens around. School starts Friday--at least new student orientation--so that should give them more to do.
I'm hampered in blogging right now by no Internet at my house but we hope to have that situation fixed soon. In some ways, while I miss all my cyber connections, it's been liberating not to have 24/7 access to the web.
I'd love to catch up with people, so please let me know what you are up to!
Just as a synopsis: the move went well. We had unseasonably cool weather, which was great for August. Now we're more or less settled into our new little cozy house. I like it here. I like the hardwood floors in the bedrooms. Our newly-remodelled kitchen is beautiful, with a new Pergo wood floor and granite-look counters and a soft beige tile backsplash. It might be my favorite room now especially as it is a big square space. I'll post before and after pix when I get a little more settled. Of course, it makes all the difference to have our familiar furniture in place.
It's very pretty here, with lots of rolling hills and apple and peach orchards. For those of you who followed the series here on Plain Secrets, the books about the Schwartzentruber Amish, you may be interested to know that the Amish around Barnesville are a group that broke away from the Schwartzentrubers and moved here because land prices are lower than in northern Ohio. I was excited to find this out. I heard they are more conservative than the Schwartzentrubers, which is hard to imagine. But we have seen no lights or reflective symbols on their buggies, so it appears to be true.
Anyway, there have been many faculty dinners and so a rash of socializing. My kids are adjusting, though it's hard to be virtually the only teens around. School starts Friday--at least new student orientation--so that should give them more to do.
I'm hampered in blogging right now by no Internet at my house but we hope to have that situation fixed soon. In some ways, while I miss all my cyber connections, it's been liberating not to have 24/7 access to the web.
I'd love to catch up with people, so please let me know what you are up to!
Monday, August 11, 2008
This is it
Tomorrow we leave for Ohio. Luckily, the catatonia of endless packing numbs one to the shock. But if I had the capacity to feel emotion at the moment, I might be amazed --again!!-- at how much "stuff" five people can "stuff" into 3,000 square feet. It's truly astonishing. It's taken us six weeks to exacavate. And we're hardly even close to near to be able to contend for any prizes in consumerism.
I have a new theory: if we adopted smaller houses in this country, we would be sending far less money to China. What do you think?
Anyway, enough theorizing. Tonight, our friend Sherri made us dinner. We ate on her deck backing to woods, dining on barbecued chicken, potato salad, corn on the cob, etc. It was a beautiful, unseasonably cool August day. It was good to see Sherri and Philip. Sherri even made us a tin of brownies. More people to miss! The dinner couldn't have been more welcome as a respite from packing and as a chance to see friends.
I have a new theory: if we adopted smaller houses in this country, we would be sending far less money to China. What do you think?
Anyway, enough theorizing. Tonight, our friend Sherri made us dinner. We ate on her deck backing to woods, dining on barbecued chicken, potato salad, corn on the cob, etc. It was a beautiful, unseasonably cool August day. It was good to see Sherri and Philip. Sherri even made us a tin of brownies. More people to miss! The dinner couldn't have been more welcome as a respite from packing and as a chance to see friends.
Moving Tomorrow
My cyberpal Peggy wrote in a comment here that she should send a picture of her family moving with stuff hanging all over their vehicles. I wish she would. That may be us tomorrow. I keep hoping that moving van will magcally expand like something from Harry Potter. You know, inside there will really be three extra rooms to stash stuff. And once that fantasy fades, I keep telling myself it's O-kay to move to O-hi-O looking like O-kies.
Plus, I thought it was a truth universally acknowledged --at least in Maryland:) --that Maryland was the best possible place to live. But just about everytime I tell somebody--and these people happen to actually live in Maryland--we're moviing to Ohio, they tell me how much better I'll like it there. How much nicer the people are. How much more relaxed the pace will be. Is Maryland that bad? Or are they trying to make me feel better, pumping me up out of pity? I'm thinking about all the things I'm going to miss here, perhaps mostly the "being at home" feeling. I don't even know who the senators are on planet Ohio whereas here old Barbara Mikulski is like an eccentric aunt. Part of the family. I understand that east Baltimore broad. And Ben Cardin was my representative for years, so it's natural he's a senator. And we have the Chesapeake Bay a half hour away, not a great lake three hours from home! Ohmigosh, it's going to be strange. But I'll adjust, I'll adjust.
We had a nice overnight in Orange, Virginia, where we stayed with the Danos at an actually very lovely Holiday Inn Express on a hill surrounded by open fields. We picked up the boys and Ashwin, and all were chipper. The trip home went faster than usual, with fewer traffic snarls as we hit the D.C. area. The silver lining to the gas prices? Last night, Jean hosted a going-away dinner for us. Of course, just about everybody IS away, so it was our family, Jean, Bill and Lisa, but what a delightful crowd. It's always good to see Bill and a pleasure to see Lisa, whom we don't see that often. Food was great and Jean did her usual lovely job with hospitality.
We had a chance to watch the Olympics in the hotel room and at Jean's. Last night, we watched the U.S. women's gymnastic team in the qualifying rounds. I can't get over how good these women (girls?) are. My head is still caught in a 1970s time warp with Olga Korbet and Nadia Komenichi. Does that happen to you?
Anyway, lots on China. They seem to have all the money these days. I imagine we shipped all our money over there in exchange for a lot of consumer goods. I'm uneasily reminded of my old grade school stories of the silly Indians trading Manhattan for a few trinkets and clocks worth $24. (Our school system in the 1960s wasn't precisely enlightened or empathic in it's portrayal of Native Americans!) But is that us now, trading our birthright for a few gazilllion low-cost microwaves and Dora the Explorer dolls and designer label tennis shoes? In any case, I can't get over Beijing. What's happened to all those people in Mao jackets riding bicycles? I'd heard people tell of all the Starbucks there etc, but ... ohmigosh!
However, I have question. Is China ever called communist anymore? All I keep hearing, in the few hours of television I've watched lately, as we don't have tv at home, is that it's an "authoritarian regime." But isn't it still, at core, a communist country? Or is that if we called it that we'd have to treat it as an enemy? Or would calling China communist wreck the storyline that communism is a failed ideology that fell with the Soviet Union? Anyway, it's curious to me.
Have to go pack! Please wish us well as we move over the next 72 hours! I can't believe it!
Plus, I thought it was a truth universally acknowledged --at least in Maryland:) --that Maryland was the best possible place to live. But just about everytime I tell somebody--and these people happen to actually live in Maryland--we're moviing to Ohio, they tell me how much better I'll like it there. How much nicer the people are. How much more relaxed the pace will be. Is Maryland that bad? Or are they trying to make me feel better, pumping me up out of pity? I'm thinking about all the things I'm going to miss here, perhaps mostly the "being at home" feeling. I don't even know who the senators are on planet Ohio whereas here old Barbara Mikulski is like an eccentric aunt. Part of the family. I understand that east Baltimore broad. And Ben Cardin was my representative for years, so it's natural he's a senator. And we have the Chesapeake Bay a half hour away, not a great lake three hours from home! Ohmigosh, it's going to be strange. But I'll adjust, I'll adjust.
We had a nice overnight in Orange, Virginia, where we stayed with the Danos at an actually very lovely Holiday Inn Express on a hill surrounded by open fields. We picked up the boys and Ashwin, and all were chipper. The trip home went faster than usual, with fewer traffic snarls as we hit the D.C. area. The silver lining to the gas prices? Last night, Jean hosted a going-away dinner for us. Of course, just about everybody IS away, so it was our family, Jean, Bill and Lisa, but what a delightful crowd. It's always good to see Bill and a pleasure to see Lisa, whom we don't see that often. Food was great and Jean did her usual lovely job with hospitality.
We had a chance to watch the Olympics in the hotel room and at Jean's. Last night, we watched the U.S. women's gymnastic team in the qualifying rounds. I can't get over how good these women (girls?) are. My head is still caught in a 1970s time warp with Olga Korbet and Nadia Komenichi. Does that happen to you?
Anyway, lots on China. They seem to have all the money these days. I imagine we shipped all our money over there in exchange for a lot of consumer goods. I'm uneasily reminded of my old grade school stories of the silly Indians trading Manhattan for a few trinkets and clocks worth $24. (Our school system in the 1960s wasn't precisely enlightened or empathic in it's portrayal of Native Americans!) But is that us now, trading our birthright for a few gazilllion low-cost microwaves and Dora the Explorer dolls and designer label tennis shoes? In any case, I can't get over Beijing. What's happened to all those people in Mao jackets riding bicycles? I'd heard people tell of all the Starbucks there etc, but ... ohmigosh!
However, I have question. Is China ever called communist anymore? All I keep hearing, in the few hours of television I've watched lately, as we don't have tv at home, is that it's an "authoritarian regime." But isn't it still, at core, a communist country? Or is that if we called it that we'd have to treat it as an enemy? Or would calling China communist wreck the storyline that communism is a failed ideology that fell with the Soviet Union? Anyway, it's curious to me.
Have to go pack! Please wish us well as we move over the next 72 hours! I can't believe it!
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